Aftermath
by Vol lady
Summary: Set after "Days of Wrath." I've been messing with this for a long time, finally Nick and Jarrod told me they were okay with it.
1. Chapter 1

AFTERMATH

They were home safe. Yes, they were all dragging and not one of them had shaved lately. Jarrod was the worst, moving like a man lost in a fog, eyes sunken and black, beard heavier and clothes more rumpled and ill-fitting, but that was to be expected. He had been through a hell his brothers had rescued him from. He wasn't going to come out of it very easily.

Victoria embraced them all, one by one. Nick whispered, "We made it," wearily in her ear as she held him. Heath said, "He's gonna be all right, don't worry." Jarrod said nothing at all, and he did not look at anyone.

Victoria and Audra helped Heath get Jarrod up to his room, where Heath remained to help get him to bed. Audra went to the kitchen to prepare some soup for Jarrod and sandwiches for Nick and Heath. That was when Victoria noticed that Nick had disappeared.

She spent a good ten minutes trying to find him. Worried as she was about Jarrod, she became even more frantic about Nick, but she finally found him, in the library, standing at the empty fireplace and staring into it, and drinking a scotch.

He glanced over his shoulder at her when he heard her come in. He turned, went over to her, and took her into a one-armed hug. "Don't worry, Mother. We're home and he's all right."

"How about you?" she asked.

"I'm all right," Nick said.

"You don't look all right."

Nick heaved a big sigh. "This has been one hellish week. I've never – " He didn't know how to finish the sentence. He just hung his head and shook it.

"Tell me what happened," Victoria said.

Nick looked at her. "I'm not sure you want to know."

"I need to know. Jarrod looks terrible. I've never seen him – " She faltered and began to cry.

Nick took her back into the one-armed hug. "Me, neither," he said.

Victoria wiped her eyes and pulled away again. "I need to know, Nick, the truth. Did he kill Cass Hyatt?"

Nick leveled an honest gaze at her and said, "He came close. We stopped him in time."

"He didn't stop himself?"

Nick shook his head. "No." He debated whether to go into any more detail. Did she really need how close he came to killing Hyatt? Did she really need to know that Jarrod had threatened to kill his brothers, or that the sheriff of Rimfire was within a heartbeat of killing Jarrod? Would Heath tell her all that if he didn't? Nick remembered a time when one of Jarrod's clients held Audra hostage in the school with the children, and his mother gave him a whacking good slap across the face for keeping the information from her.

"How did he get hurt?" she asked.

"He was shot. Probably Hyatt, but nobody really knows. Hyatt didn't confess to that."

"But he did confess to killing Beth."

"Yes."

"And Jarrod knew that?"

"Yes. Mother, do you really want to know any more about this?"

"I want to know what part of it has you so upset."

Nick smiled a little. "I'm that obvious, huh?"

"You were never one to hide your feelings very well. Please, Nick, tell me."

Nick heaved another sigh. "We got to Rimfire just as Jarrod was – drowning Hyatt in a watering trough."

"Oh – " Victoria gasped and looked like she was going to fall over.

Nick moved to put an arm around her again to hold her up, but she quickly got herself together and raised a hand and stopped him.

"Keep going," she said.

"Heath pulled him off Hyatt and got Hyatt out of the water," Nick said. "I pulled Jarrod away and put myself between him and Hyatt. I didn't think he'd – " He stumbled on the next part. "Jarrod pulled his gun on me. He threatened me and when I didn't move, he cocked the gun and threatened me again. Heath told me the sheriff was just about to shoot Jarrod when he let his gun down and walked away. He didn't make it half a block before he just fell over in the street."

Now it was Victoria's turn to take Nick into her arms. "He's not himself, Nick. He didn't know what he was doing."

"No, Mother, he knew exactly what he was doing," Nick said, half angry, half grief-stricken. "You know what I've been thinking about all the way home? You remember when Matt Bentell came here and Heath swore he'd kill him? You stood right over there by the desk. You said you couldn't believe any of your sons could be a cold-blooded murderer. Well, Jarrod could. I'm sorry, Mother, but it's a fact now. He was killing Hyatt. Jarrod could be a cold blooded murderer, and he could have killed me."

"But Nick, he didn't kill either of you."

"I know. But he almost did. And Mother – I've never been so scared in my life. I gambled he wouldn't shoot me, but I was scared, bone scared." Nick had to take a deep breath. "I – I don't know if I'm ever gonna be able to look at him the same again."

Nick looked at his mother with complete sincerity in his eyes. It chilled Victoria to her soul. She reached for Nick's hand, and he let her take it gratefully. "I can't believe he'd have hurt you, Nick."

"And you couldn't believe he could be a cold-blooded murderer, but that's what happened in Rimfire. If we had been thirty seconds later, they'd be hanging Jarrod now. I don't know who he is anymore. I just – don't know."

"I will be honest with you, Nick," Victoria said calmly. "I don't know who he is anymore either. I thought about that a lot while you were gone, and I was scared, bone scared, that whether he killed Hyatt or not, I had lost my first born forever. And in some ways, I have. He won't be the same again. WE won't be the same again. But that doesn't mean we won't still be a family. That doesn't mean we won't still love each other. That doesn't mean we won't still love him, and he's going to need to know that. More than anything now, he's going to need to know that. If you can't give him that right now, it doesn't mean you won't be able to give it to him tomorrow. Let things settle down. Don't think that the way you feel now will be the way you feel forever."

Nick looked at her, then gave a glance up to the second floor, before he finished off his glass of scotch. "Well, I'll do the best I can, Mother."

Heath came in then, looking worn but still strong. "Well, I couldn't get him to let me get him out of those clothes, but he did take his shirt and boots off, and he's letting Audra help him eat some soup."

"You two need some food," Victoria said. "Come into the kitchen. Audra's fixed you some sandwiches."

She went out ahead of them. Heath lingered while Nick put his empty glass down, and when Nick straightened, Heath caught his gaze. "You doing all right?" Heath asked.

Nick shrugged. "Best I can expect. I told Mother about everything that happened in Rimfire."

"How'd she take it?"

"Better than I have."

Nick thought he was so tired he'd sleep like the dead, but it didn't happen. Memories and thoughts swirling around in his mind kept him wide awake, even as the house was otherwise quiet. Just as he was finally relaxing, the wind picked up, and the whistling through the windows became so irritating that Nick got up and went downstairs.

He carried a small lamp with him, as it would be very dark down there. Once he reached the foyer, he didn't know what to do. More liquor was not a good idea – he was sure the scotch wearing off was helping to keep him awake. He began to wish it wasn't so windy outside. A walk around the yard might help. For a minute or so, he stood at the foot of the stairs and tried to decide what to do with himself.

Then he saw something in the dark, in the chair by the empty fireplace. Someone was sitting in it.

Nick quietly walked over to the chair. The figure, sitting upright, did not move, even as Nick moved around in front of the chair. He stopped a few feet away so the lamplight would fall on whoever it was.

It was Jarrod. He was sitting there, fully clothed, eyes shut, with a pistol in his right hand, lying across his lap.

Nick's heart plummeted. "Jarrod – "

Jarrod's eyes opened. For a moment, he looked like he had no idea where he was or who Nick was, but then he blinked. "Nick," he said quietly.

Nick came closer, put the lamp on the coffee table in front of Jarrod, and knelt down beside him. "Let me have the gun, Jarrod."

Jarrod held tight to it. "It was all a nightmare, wasn't it? It didn't really happen, did it? Tell me it was a nightmare."

Nick wasn't sure how to respond. If he told him the truth, would Jarrod take that pistol and blow his brains out before Nick could stop him? If he lied, would Jarrod know it, and then who would he shoot, himself? His brother?

"Jarrod, let me have the gun and let's talk," Nick said.

Jarrod still held tight to it, but gazed long into Nick's eyes. "Nick, I never would have – I never could have – tell me it was all a dream, Nick."

Nick moved his hand closer to Jarrod's but did not touch the gun, not yet. "I can't tell you that, Pappy. I can only tell you that it's over. Hyatt is alive and in jail, and you're all right, I'm all right, Heath is all right. We're home and we're safe and it's over. Please, give me the gun."

Jarrod looked down at the gun in his hand. "I've been sitting here for hours. I've been thinking it would be better if – "

"No," Nick said quickly. "No, it wouldn't be better if you put that gun to your head and pulled the trigger, so don't you do it. You think Heath and I followed your trail for a joy ride? You've been in trouble, Pappy, probably the worst trouble of your life until this minute right now. We weren't gonna let you destroy yourself then, and I'm not gonna let you do it now. I love you, Jarrod. I love you with everything in me. Don't you do this. Don't you do this to me."

Jarrod looked at the gun in his hand. His eyes were wet, and he closed them and tilted his head back. Nick moved his hand closer to the gun.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

 _Jarrod looked at the gun in his hand. His eyes were wet, and he closed them and tilted his head back. Nick moved his hand closer to the gun._

Jarrod sighed a quiet sigh, scarcely making a sound, opening his eyes and staring at the darkness of the ceiling. "She was a beautiful soul. She wanted us to build a house without a roof so we wouldn't shut out the sky."

"You haven't talked about her much," Nick said. "Tell me more about her."

"Can't," Jarrod said. "Just can't."

It was Nick's turn to sigh, frustrated and scared he wasn't getting through. He decided to be direct again. "She wouldn't want this, Jarrod. You know it would break her heart."

Jarrod didn't answer. Nick carefully moved his hand to the gun. When he touched it, Jarrod let go of his grip on it. Nick quickly took it away from him, immediately emptied it of all the shells and put them into his shirt pocket. Then, finally breathing again, he put the gun on the coffee table.

Jarrod tilted his head forward again, leveling his gaze on his brother. He never had shaved and still had that dark, sunken look in his eyes. The bandage, dirty and shredding around the edges, was still wrapped around his head wound. In the eerie lamplight, he looked like a half dead memory of himself.

Seeing Jarrod like that hurt Nick more than anything he could remember. Where was the rock of the Barkley family? Where had that man gone? "I never knew you to be a man who couldn't some to terms with the hard stuff in life, Jarrod," he said. "You can come to terms with this, too."

"Can you?"

Nick didn't expect that question, that bluntly. He didn't know how to answer and looked away. "It's late and you need rest."

"Can't sleep," Jarrod said. "Neither can you or you wouldn't be down here."

Nick looked at him again and nodded once. "Let's talk."

Jarrod's voice was growing softer and softer, but there was no emotion in it, only a matter of fact acceptance of what he was saying. "Tell me the truth. I know this is no dream. I know what I've done. I know what I have to come to terms with. I know everybody else has to come to terms with it too, you most of all. I was murdering a man, and when you stopped me I pointed that gun at you and I threatened your life. How can you ever look at me as a brother again?"

Suddenly, all Nick could see in his mind's eye was the fury in Jarrod's eyes and in his voice when he pointed that gun at him and cocked it. _Get away from him!_ Nick shook it out of his mind. "You weren't yourself."

"You know I was. I knew what I was doing. I knew exactly what I was doing and I did it. I can never make that up to you."

Nick stared at the floor. "Partly my fault you ever got to that point. I let you get out of the house in the first place."

"I decked you. Not your fault. Mine. Only mine."

Nick looked up at him. "About an hour before we got to Rimfire I stopped Heath and said we ought to rest. He didn't want to, so we moved on. Took all of ten seconds, but those ten seconds let you get to the place where you got Hyatt down and where you drew on me."

Jarrod slowly shook his head and said flatly, "No."

"If Heath had agreed with me and we rested a while, you'd be dead now. You'd have killed Hyatt and by now they'd have hung you, if the sheriff hadn't shot you first. We'd have been too late. We came so close to being too late."

Even as he said the words, Nick asked himself why he was trying so hard to take the blame. Would that help Jarrod, or was he trying somehow to help himself?

Jarrod was still calm and quiet, even as he shook his head. "No. You can't blame yourself for that. Blame me because you were out there coming after me in the first place. Blame me for all of it because it was all my fault, all of it. Be angry with me for all of it and tell me now – can you look at me as your brother again? Or will you always see the cold-blooded murderer I've turned into?"

Nick felt his heart rush up inside him, full of denial. "Because that's all you see when you look in the mirror? A cold-blooded murderer? Jarrod, you've been my brother since the day I was born! All I see when I look at you, even now, is the brother I've always loved and respected and a brother who's in trouble. Am I mad at you? Yeah. Will things between us be exactly the same? No. But we'll always be brothers. You gotta believe that. You gotta believe I know how hard a road you have ahead of you and I'll be there to walk it with you, however long it ends up being, even if it's a million steps. You're my big brother. That will never change. And I can't stand the thought of losing you, so please, Jarrod, don't ever put that gun to your head. Please."

Nick was nearly in tears. Jarrod looked at him, then at his gun on the coffee table. The lamplight lit up the bone handle and the gun became the brightest thing in the room. For a long minute Jarrod didn't even blink, and Nick thought he was disappearing into that fog again where he was just lost. But then Jarrod said, very quietly, "I don't want to reload that. Not tonight. Not tomorrow. Maybe never."

Nick felt relief wash through him like a wave. "Further down the road, maybe you'll be able to use it again, the way it's meant to be used."

Jarrod actually smiled, just a little. "I remember when you gave it to me. You were twelve."

Nick smiled. "So you'd hand me down that walnut handled one you used to carry. Father picked it out but I paid for it out of the money I saved working all those odd jobs here and there."

Jarrod smiled at the memory, but his smile faded fast.

Nick rose up, picked up the gun and tucked it under belt. "Jarrod, just don't think the way you feel now, about anything, will be the way you feel forever. You need rest, and I could stand some too. Maybe morning will give us clearer heads."

Nick considered the lamp, but it was almost out of oil and he decided to just leave it. He held his right hand down to his brother.

Jarrod looked up with those sunken eyes, somehow looking both lost and found, or drifting somewhere in between, all at the same time. He took Nick's hand and stood up slowly, but he didn't have a lot of strength and immediately went weak-kneed. Nick quickly put a supportive arm around him, grateful he had come down here in time to stop what was happening, grateful he had an arm to give and a brother to give it to.

"Come on, Pappy," Nick said. "One step at a time, and we'll make it."

THE END


End file.
